Want Need Relationship?

This I suppose is a little off topic for me but the response was so huge on Facebook I really wanted to share it for the simple reason it might help you.

I posted this small not on Facebook

‘Being alone is an interesting and very human process. It forces me to discover who I really and truly am at a much more subconscious level. I ask myself… Are you happy? Are you sad? Do you need a partner? Can you be alone and happy? These are the kind of questions and more I have been forced to ask myself. This is about me and what I want and need for my life…’

Think about this….

You are with people all of your young life, then as you get older your almost always with others,  family, friends and more. You get married or you are in a long term relationship and again you are always with someone. You are never alone and rarely get time to think, exercise your own mind and own way of being… BE – IN.

Then suddenly for the first time in your life after a relationship breakdown… suddenly you are ALONE… A-LONE.

If you are not used to this, it can have massive shock on your system and does have a huge shock on most peoples system.

The void.

The biggest challenge is suddenly a life that was full has been emptied and left a gap. A huge gap. This is the void.

Your initial instinct is to fill the gap right away. It’s panic, fear and more rolled into one. The tight knot is in your chest. The sleepless nights. The bed with you on one side and no one on the other. Feels horrible right?

You begin to ask yourself questions …

Will you always be alone?
Will you find someone else?
Are you ugly?
Are you too old?
Will anyone want you now?

Your confidence has taken a huge knock that’s a hard one to get over.

Like I said the initial reaction for most is this… FILL THE GAP! Then when the gap is filled, you are back in a relationship and the reality is… it’s usually back to how things were almost before but with a new partner.

It’s incredible that some leave long term relationships and walk direct into a new one with no gap. How can they get to know themselves?

Anyway, for most people… that’s fine but it depends on what kind of life you really want to live or should I say NEED to survive, thrive and grow into someone not just good but incredible!

Lets look at this whole scenario again from a very personal perspective. Bear in mind I am not saying anything is right or wrong I am simply stating my opinion..

After nearly 30 years of being in just 2 relationships, one for 27 years and one for 3 years I found myself all alone. Yes I had the fears and wanted the gap filled but I took a new view of this after my second relationship ended.

For the VERY FIRST TIME in my life I had an opportunity to re-shape and re-build a life that I NEEDED not what I wanted or to fill the gap!

I was scared, I had fears of course but I wanted an incredible new kind of relationship at the same time unlike the past ones.

Here’s what I discovered what I always wanted isn’t what I’ve always needed.

Let me say that again.

Wanted vs Needed

I can bet you know what you want. I can also bet you maybe don’t know what you need.

For example …

Forget right now what you want and write down a list as long as you like of what you NEED.

I don’t mean write I need a man or a woman. I mean write down the actual specifics of what you want from them.

Again for example I wrote my own list of things I need.

Here’s a couple from my own list.

1. Daily connection at all levels.
2. Loyalty at every level.

Those were two out of a list in front of me from over 30 things I discovered after taking time to meditate and think that I actually NEED. Both of those weren’t being fulfilled by either relationship. Things began to look very different.

I looked back I discovered out of the 30 plus NEEDS only 6 were being fulfilled.

Interesting right?

Because when the relationship breaks down you think it’s the end of the world. The knot, the pain, the world has ended yet the good news is this.

You have been handed an opportunity on a plate to grow at a rate you will never have seen before in your life. Why is that? You are now staring one of mans deepest fears right in the face. The fear of being alone.

Now you are alone.

Now you have a golden opportunity.

The opportunity is this… to find out about YOU.
Who are you?
What are you?
What do you really need?
Did you really like xyz from the previous relationship?

This has now become about discovering the real YOU.

So here’s what you do now.

Now write down a list of what you want from a relationship.

Now write down a list of what you NEED from a relationship.

Now compare what you need to what you want. See the difference?

Here’s what I suggest for you.

Take time to BE alone and find out who and what you really are. Everything in life you never did or said no to… say YES and try them for yourself to see if you actually like them. I did this and made some huge discoveries.

Return to nature, learn from life itself. Go for walks, watch people, watch animals, watch creation at play. Watch lovers on a bench, watch people with children, watch the birds in the sky… OBSERVE the real meaning of everything and you will discover the meaning of yourself.
 
Don’t take advice from others. They love and want to help you of course but they are not YOU. Their pre-set levels of what is right, wrong, good or bad are very different to what you have set for yourself. You need to know what YOU think and feel.

Don’t read to much, avoid training DVDs, avoid seminars, get to know who you really are by simply BE – IN yourself.

And let me say again it’s not that others don’t want to help you they do but this is about you and you getting to understand yourself at a much deeper level.

Ask yourself lots of questions all the time. Am I what they said I am? Do I do what they said I do? And so on. If you are what they said and you understand well simply admit it and if it’s a trait that is damaging to you, change, be your own change.

Then keep on looking for answers because you know what will eventually take place? You will pass through what is your valley of dark, endless, confusion and come out of the other side with clarity about YOU and what you really NEED as a person.

The gap gets filled by yourself. You have become the solution, not another person. Once you know yourself there can NEVER be a gap or a void again.

The truth is you can never be alone. Being alone is a manufactured line to protect them that are alone. Yet the reality is it protects no one, it only allows the one alone to go deeper into a state of fear and more confusion and when in the depths of fear it’s almost impossible to come out again at the other side.

Finally I just wanted to share this.

If you have read this far well this is the good bit. When you become who you truly are here’s the magic… you’ll finally attract what you truly want or… what you really need.

BE COME and allow what you NEED to come to you. THIS DOES happen. What you need at the time will arrive for you but you need to allow and don’t force anything, don’t search, don’t try and pull things to you, simply be at peace with yourself and watch what takes place I promise.

I know you might be thinking but Alan I am still alone? That is simple, you have not yet become at peace with yourself and you are not attracting the right mate to you that can give you what you need.

Does this mean you don’t see anyone now until the right one arrives? Not at all, get out, discover and see and feel how people really are, allow them to be themselves on dates you’ll be surprised what you discover.

In the meantime… have fun and head out on your voyage of discovery. A tip I can share with you is anything you have said no to in the past or in your life… go try it and see how it feels when you do. Like me, I think you’ll be surprised to discover another new part of you.

I hope this has helped you. Just a handful of things I have discovered during my own little period alone… A-LONE.

Alone but a truly exciting, enlightening, refreshing part of my life. It’ll be the same for you if you go back to YOU and find your NEEDS not wants.

It’s been tough. It’s been magic. It’s been discovery. It’s been a time to connect and discover. Looking back, I’ve loved it.

AND YOU … You’ll be fine, it really is all going to be fine.

Now you finally know who you are, continue to grow, continue you discover and watch the one you need come to you.

I hope this has helped.

My Facebook is http://www.Facebook.com/alanforrestsmith