Dead Self

As I walked along the old railway in the distance I could see a figure sat in the shade to the left.

The closer I got the more detail I could see. It was a man, he was alone, he was sitting down, looking almost staring at the floor.

It was sunny yet he was sat in the shade. There was lots of free space yet he sat still, silent and unmoved at any visible level.

The closer I got the more I could feel the almost dark depressing side of the character. At this point I was around 10 feet away from him I looked at him to say good morning, I knew he could see me but remained still, unmoved sitting silent without a flinch as I walked by. He was in a wheelchair.

All I could feel is this mans…DEAD-SELF.

I kept on walking for another 10 feet but this guy was filling my head with thoughts of ‘is he ok?’.

I turned around and went back. I said…’excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking are you ok?’

He looked at me with water filled eyes and told me this story…

10 months ago I could walk up and down stairs, to the shops, play with my kids, play with my dogs and just be normal. Today I am half a man with no legs, no ability with nothing to give’

I have to say the conversation went on for around 30 minutes, we talked and cried together, it was nice. He never told me how he had lost his legs. I never asked. He never told me where he lived or what he does, I never asked. He never told me about his wife and family, I never asked.

What he did tell me was this.

‘I am worthless, worth nothing to no one, what is the point of being alive’

I asked him how old are his kids?

He told me 7 and 9 years old.

I asked how when they see you how do they react?

He told me they smile, laugh and ask him to race around the house on his new ‘racing car’ (wheelchair).

We went on so I asked him this question.

How do you think your children would cope if you were not here?
He replied’ utter devastation’

I said to him do you think it’s worthwhile being alive knowing that your existence makes your children’s lives fuller?

He cried as did I.

I held his hand just for a moment, got up, said goodbye and walked on.

I have to be honest here. I got to a point about half a mile up the old railway, went down the embankment and had a cry myself.

The question had been raised…’SELF WORTH’… what is it?

This man had clearly been through something he didn’t reveal to me. At the point of his life as we spoke he had lost his self worth or value of himself.

In other words… what is his value,, his contribution and how does he see it himself?

He had become encased in thoughts of EVERYONE thinks I am disabled and no good. The reality is they all loved him more than ever and he really was filling a part of their lives also.

So his mind and his reality were playing games with him.

When he is alone and goes into himself he gets lost in the confusion of thought. When he is with his kids, he reacts to their reaction and becomes happy though them.

Interesting don’t you think how the sense of self can overcome and overwhelm to a point of destruction?

Yet the reality is much different.

How about you?

How do you value yourself, and what is your sense of it?

When I say value I mean how much do you think you are worth? Lets say in pounds or dollars?

You could be at a place in your life where you put a low amount on it? You could be in a place where you put a high amount on it. Yet if I was to remove all the cash and asked you the same question again how would you explain your value?

Remember this is about your self value or sense of self. It’s not about what anyone thinks. If you know 100 people they all have an opinion of you right? Yet all of their opinions of you are not YOUR truth or your reality, how can they be?

So again what is your own sense of self? Your own self value? That is up to you to find out. When you do write it down and ask yourself about what you read is that actually true?

Going back the wheelchair walker.

I turned around and walked back along the old railway. It’s pretty flat so a wheelchair can be used on it. Who should, be coming towards me but the guy in the wheelchair. I smiled to myself from this distance he looked happy… I was looking forward to him catching up to me.

At this point he was round 20 feet away and I can tell you he had his head raised and a smile from one side of his face to another.

He shouted out… ‘Alan’

I smiled and said ‘hi again Tony’

He said to me…

Thank you so much for sitting and speaking with me, I’ll never forget it. He said you know the bridge up there with the river below?’ I said ‘yes’

He said today I came along here to kill myself by going over the old bridge into the river on my wheelchair but now I am racing home to see my kids smile. You made me wake up and realize my own worth to my kids’

I could hardly talk… I said ‘how about your value to you?’

He said one word… ‘PRICELESS’

Gave me a huge, huge smile and raced away after shaking my hand to meet his kids after school.

I have nothing more to write. It’s a short story that happened. Make your won conclusions but remember…

You are worth more than you can ever believe. Love your self, discover yourself BE your sense of self.

I’d love your feedback?

*~A.F.S.~*

Alan Forrest Smith